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from The Brunching Shuttlecocks... Satan on Laundry by David Neilsen Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about laundry. Kids, when your clothes get dirty, they need to be washed. No one likes a smelly boor, swaddled in rags immersed in the stench of last week's vomit. And while in Hell you will be forced to wear the same pair of filthy, grimy corduroy pants long after the individual strings of corduroy have sliced into your flesh and severed your bones, causing you to limp around, oozing blood from every inch of your pain-encrusted flesh, here on Earth, you can wash them. First thing you should do when preparing laundry is to separate the lights from the darks. In Hell we tend to do this in a violent whirlpool of razor-sharp knives, usually while the tortured soul is still wearing them. On Earth, I would suggest making piles on the floor, or perhaps in a basket or two. First, you'll want to wash your lights, usually your socks, under garments and T-shirts. Remember, be absolutely sure that all colored clothing has been removed from the lights, or the colors may run in the wash, and you'll ruin your lights, be laughed at and ridiculed by friends and family, and be doomed to eternal damnation. To make your whites extra bright, you might want to try adding bleach. In Hell, when I want my socks extra white, I painfully remove bone marrow from certain, lucky souls, cracking their bones in a cacophony of horrific jubilation and being sure to stimulate every pain nerve possible. An agonizingly slow process at times, one that can take an eternity of everlasting suffering from my marrow donors. But I like my socks bright white! Once your first load is finished, don't just leave them sitting in the washer! That can lead to rancid odors, forcing you to rewash them all over again. It can also lead you to Hell. Now you're ready for the darks. Be sure when stuffing them into the wash, that you run the load through cold water. Warm water will make the colors bleed. In Hell, I like to stuff twenty thousand wretched sinners into the giant washer of Hell and run it scalding hot water for eons at a time. Invariably, the dark colors, and usually the sinners themselves, bleed all through the wash, and I'm often forced to repeat the process. Maddening, but true. Another very important thing to remember is to READ THE TAGS! Some clothes need to be dry-cleaned. And if you put them in the wash with the rest of the laundry, you'll damage these fragile vestments, earn my wrath, and be forced to spend eternity suffering in Hell, where your soul will be forever scrubbed raw by a host of swarming maggots. And nobody wants that. In all, Laundry is a very important part of making ourselves pretty, happy and pleasantly scented. People who don't wash their clothing regularly are rude, crude, and headed for an afterlife in Hell. I'm Satan, see ya later!

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